What did Indians teach me about assertiveness?
I’m OK – You’re OK
The simplest (and still the most accurate) way I’d define assertiveness comes from Eric
Berne’s Transactional Analysis: assertive is a mindset and a way of communicating
that expresses “I’m OK – You’re OK.”
For years I’ve been running assertiveness workshops mostly in European and American
contexts. Here assertiveness is usually understood quite specifically – as setting
boundaries, saying “no,” expressing your opinion. In short, it’s taking care mostly of “I’m
OK.” And then COMMUNICATING IT in a way that doesn’t attack or offend the other
person (for example, by using “I statements”).
And yes, this matters. I feel the issue starts when “I’m OK” becomes our main reference
point.
Assertiveness – Indian style
When I started working with participants from India, it hit me that I’m only really beginning
to understand the other half of the equation: “You’re OK.”
During a series of assertiveness trainings for one company, but conducted in different
locations, I gave participants the same business case studies. Rather regular stuff: a
demanding client, a manager with unrealistic expectations, time pressure, and conflicting
priorities in a team.
Participants from Poland or the US would usually react fast and to the point: “We need
to set a boundary!”; “We need to clearly say this is not possible.”; “We have to manage
expectations here.” Clear, direct, and protecting themselves.
Participants from India much more often… paused. And then did a few things that
shifted the frame from “difficult situation → assertive reaction” to something very
different:
- Empathy before reaction
Instead of jumping straight to a response, Indians would often start by trying to
understand what might be behind the “difficult” behavior. They’d ask and discuss what
kind of pressure the manager might be currently under, what constraints the client might
have, and what’s happening on the other side. This wasn’t a sign of being passive. It looked
like a conscious choice to understand the context better before responding or acting.
- Questions before boundaries
Instead of immediately saying “no,” they would more often start with questions to clarify
expectations, ask about priorities, and check what actually matters. So instead of thinking:
“How do I say I can’t do this?” they would rather engage in a conversation and ask:
“What’s most important here?” or “Would it be OK if we did it this way?” Boundaries
were still there, but more often as an outcome of the conversation, not as a starting point.
- “When YES?” instead of “why NOT?”
Instead of building arguments for why something isn’t possible, they focused their
energy on searching for the conditions under which things could work. Sometimes it meant doing
it later.
Sometimes checking internally with their manager first. But very often it meant a real
effort to meet the other side halfway – even if they could not answer the request
immediately or fully.
- The bigger picture, not just the individual
I have the sense that in “Western” (or more precisely, individualistic) cultures,
assertiveness tends to focus on the individual: “How should I respond?” “How do I
protect my space?”; “How do I say this is not OK for me?”
Participants from India more often looked at the situation systemically, and they
considered all stakeholders involved – directly and indirectly.
For example, when the situation involved talking to their manager about pushing back on
unrealistic client expectations, instead of just setting a boundary with their manager, they
would suggest bringing everyone together on a call. Or solving it at the process level.
They were looking at different connections, not just one interaction.
Assertiveness 2.0: I’m OK – You’re OK (but for real)
Does that mean “the West” is wrong? No. But more and more I feel like our
understanding of assertiveness is simply… incomplete. It focuses heavily on directness,
boundaries, self-expression, protecting our own resources. At the same time, it looks a
little too less at really trying to understand the other side, building a shared solution, and
working on the relationship (and not just “delivering a well-phrased message”).
These workshops really shifted the focus point for me from “How do I set a boundary in
a constructive way?” to “How do I try to find a solution where both sides are genuinely
OK?”
Yes, sure – there are situations where assertiveness simply means a clear “no.” But very
often, it invites something else, something possibly a bit harder: pausing before reacting,
self-reflection (“What would actually be OK for me here?”), conversation, curiosity, the
effort to look for alternatives.
Because real assertiveness doesn’t end with “I’m OK.” It starts when we take “You’re
OK” just as seriously.